Holiday Parties Are The Best ...

I love holiday parties and part of me wishes they were monthly. Then again, the resounding hangover the day after usually is a reminder that holiday parties should only come once a year.

This year's party reminded me of the days of my early 20's when holiday parties were fun and dangerous. In case you haven't had your holiday party yet, here are some sure-fire tips to enjoying yourself (even if its at the expense of others):

• Don't eat -- why spoil any empty stomach of alcohol with food
• Get someone else to drive -- this is about having fun, not hanging out with your Jewish attorney the next morning
  
• Have at least 4 - 5 cocktails before arriving. This will ensure that you will have fun and you can put up with any conversations that you might find un-enjoyable. Plus if your date / evening sucks, you've got on that sweet, sweet cologne called "I don't give a F@ck"
  
• Be sure to wear a suit -- always suit up ... and wear a Santa hat. Like a Fedora, a Santa hat is the perfect accessory. Oh, and if possible, work in cuff links that you can either use to tell a story or as a weapon.
  
• Bring a flask -- yup, bring your own alcohol. In case you have drink tickets and they run out, you will need a flask. Plus, everyone loves the guy with a flask as well as flasks are excellent discussion points (see 2004 and 2010 holiday parties)
  
• Dance -- I don't care how bad you dance, pull the "Hitch" moves, stay in your zone and chill. If someone knocks your drink out of your hand while dancing, stare at some one else as if it was their fault.
  
• Bring a camera because 1. You need to document your fun-ness 2. You can blackmail other people with pictures of them at your party.
  
• If you take a date, make sure she's 1. An escort, 2. Your wife of many years who knows this could get ugly, or 3. Some random chic your willing to leave at a moments notice. Holiday parties are not for gloating or showing off your significant other ... they are about irresponsible and drunken behavior.
  
• Find the person that normally doesn't drink ... and make them drink. This will lead to lots of fun conversations and pictures.
• Beer, while an amazing beverage, should only be used as a marinade or at the post party. All other drinks should be brown or clear liquor. Mixers are optional.
  
• If it's not your party and you don't necessarily love your date, don't want to be there or don't have enough alcohol; talk about religion, politics, drug habits, porn and refer to yourself in the third person as much as possible. Regardless if they like you are not, you will leave a lasting effect on everyone.
• Wear leopard print undergarments. In case something does happen, you won't be sorry.
  

While I didn't employ all of these tools this year, I did implement a few and had a great time. Hope you all have wonderful holiday parties and here's to 2011 ... let's hope it doesn't disappoint.