Wedding Planning

As many of you know, Retired Sorority Girl and I decided to get engaged a while back. After a week (ok, 24 hours of celebrating) she dove straight into wedding planning.  Mind you, this won't be one of those posts that slams wedding planning or anything along those lines, but merely a quick overview to state some of the interesting things I've learned in the first three weeks of planning. Oh and no, we don't have a venue, date, or anything along those lines but we sure have visited enough places to know what we don't want:

• Chairs -- they are things you typically sit on but in a wedding, they are a high priced accessory that demands the scruity of all brides to be.  What I've realized is that the chairs are a back end gimmick by the man who is constantly trying to keep us down to keep us down. For instance, you can get the regular chair (the Romney) for $1.25 or the fancy French chair (the Obama) for $5.00.  Now, what they don't tell you, is by the time you paid for labor and covers for the $1.25 chair, it now costs over $5.  Seriously -- chairs. 
• Tables -- before last weekend, I knew there were high top and low top tables, but I didn't realize the number, types and colors that are available.  Did you know you can get marble high top tables? Amazing how I did not know that?
• Event Coordinators -- they come in two batches -- young, in their twenties and either planning their own wedding or recently married ... or they are late 30s / 40s, bitter as shit and almost impossible to talk to about anything other than chairs, tables and lighting.  Seriously, we met with one woman this past weekend that was so insanely unhappy that I checked the obits on Sunday AM to see if she ended it. I've met miserable people in my life but this one took first prize! 
• Fear of Fire -- I've noticed that all of the event staff / coordinators have an intense fear of fire.  Whether its the venue bursting into flames or a table cloth, they certianly don't want candles unless they are behind a nuke proof glass case and don't even think about sparklers. Pretty sure there are some dudes in tuxes hiding in the bushes with a fire hose in case you think of lighting up the sparkler. 
• Photographers -- I've learned that weddings have nothing to do with the ceremony, spending time with others ... its all about the pictures. Don't fool yourself, I've even learned that wedding locations aren't built for sound (because who wants to hear the vows) but more for pictures! Woo Hoo! Pictures. For the record, my father is a photographer and I've hated pictures of myself since he wouldn't stop taking pictures of me as a child. Pretty sure that nice cocktail of bourbon and xanax on my wedding day will make for some fabo pictures. 
• Disasters -- want to have fun with event coordinators, ask them what their plan is in case of terrorist attack or meteorite crash. Yeah, I've done that at a few locations and kept a straight face. I'm going to start taking pictures of their facial expressions when you ask if the building is Al Queda proof or if they have an issues with loaded weapons on the premesis. 
•  AC -- did you know, that in May, in the State of Ga, its really not that hot and you can do an outdoor wedding / reception with out AC?  It took every ounce of me to not laugh out loud at that comment from one wedding coordinator. Kinda like tying a ribbon on a terd and trying to sell it as a Twix candy bar.  No AC in May?  Ha ... I turn on the AC in February.  
• Gift Registry -- if these things aren't run by the Mafia, they should be. That's all I have to say about that. 
• Wedding Guest List -- Shockingly, I've found creating the wedding guest list a pretty entertaining experience but I was thinking last night that it should be a lot more fun. I'm actually considering holding auditions for our guest list. Think about it, if your parents want to invite a lot of their friends to your wedding and you're not so sure of it, have their friends audition for a role. Same goes for that co-worker or friend that you just aren't sure you should invite. Come up with entertaining criteria: can they dance, sing, make a special cocktail, funnel a 5th of Vodka, play a guitar, do they have a friend that owns a resort in the Caribbean, Do they have access to key sporting venues, Are they currently a gun runner, Do they know Ted, etc.  I proposed this concept to Retired Sorority Girl and unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears.  But think how much fun you would have making your guests try out for an invitation. Pretty sure this has appeared in an 80s movie and if not, it should. 
• Band -  For some reasons, wedding bands are stupid expensive. They way things are going and the costs I've seen, pretty sure we'll be able to get Nickleback for the same price as the local Glenn Johnson Quartet.  Anywhoo ... I just hope Retired Sorority Girl will come around and we get the Dan Band ... or Nickleback.  I really want an excuse to wear a leather wrist band.